March 5, 2020

Cultivated Classifieds

SOBER JEAN RHYS seeks 60ish Dr. Zhivago, inebriated with joy. Your grandchildren are Trapp Family clones. Your prostate is on hiatus and your dog is named Scaramouche or Scaramutt.

CHANGING TIMES: Retired professor and lifelong nepiophile in his fifties, tall, handsome, and loving, seeks passionate, nurturing, and adoring Mommy for spiritual fulfillment, intellectual communion, emotional concinnity, and physical bliss in monogamous redamancy.

FRISKY COUGAR, 84, seeks dude, 72 to 76, share walks from parking lots to doctors’ offices. Must like detailed descriptions of illnesses; enjoy matinee “naps”; daytime driving essential; relishes grandchildren’s pictures. Limited flatulence, clacking teeth ok. Don’t anticipate LTR.

PORTLY, HANDSOME MAN, 81 summers, some hair and teeth, ample supply blue pills; seeking 90+ foxy cougar, to snuggle under afghan, swap podiatry, colonoscopy, and dental stories; knowing “Hut-sut rawlson” and “Mairzy Doats” a plus. Large type for response.

THIS SOUTHERN BELLETRIST, eighty years young seeks vibrant companion for lyrics unsung. Let’s form a new friendship of heart and of mind and savor the mutual pleasures we’ll find.

FETCHING OLDER WOMAN. New England based, with a pocketful of Valentines redeemable for an awkward first date, getting lost in foreign cities, bookstore kisses, and kitchen mayhem. What’s in your Valentine?

TALL, BROWN EYES, Lord Byron hair, seeks epistolary companion with lily-pad tongue and luck at blackjack. 

WE DON’T SKI ON SNOW. We glide on water. A river of romance peppered with boulders. We wind and weave around ancient rocks as the canoe bow draws a map of the heart.

PASSION FOR PALINDROMES; song snippets for every occasion, weakness for assonance and alliteration. Compulsive reader engaging in harm reduction. I’m a bouncy late-60ish F, enfant-terrible pillar of society, looking for like or complementary-minded woman or man for friendship and more, depending on how things go. You can find me at concerts, museums, on long treks through San Francisco, or through NYR Box 68330.

NEVSKY PROSPEKT, just off the Q line. Rogozhin, 40 or so, seeks Nastasya Filippovna for grandstanding, lightly toasted currency, and savage regrets. 

WORN-OUT HUSBAND, friend to his wife’s nerves and father to five silly daughters (the two eldest excepted) for almost a quarter century, seeks wealthy, titled, childless widow of an unentailed estate for long walks across ha-ha’s.

ANTEDILUVIAN MARINER (M) seeks attractive coxswain (F) to put in at terra firma amidst coming torrents. Long-term relationship inevitable. Will steer clear of Mount Ararat in protest of Armenian genocide. Mont Blanc? Open to suggestions.